The past few months I have spent much of my free time reflecting, thinking, and planning for the next year of my life. In six months I will be moving out of Fargo for the last time, packing my bags and headed back to central North Dakota. In one year I will be graduating with my degree from NDSU, officially reaching one of my biggest goals in life. I will (hopefully) working at a job I've spent the last 4 years preparing myself for, studying for. All of this seems great, all things I've been wishing for, praying for since I first moved to Fargo three and a half years ago; but why is it that now I can see the light at the end of this long tunnel does it seem scary as hell?
Honestly, if you had told me my freshman year of college I'd be having these thoughts a year before graduation I would have laughed. At first, college was torture. I've always loved school, don't get me wrong, and college had always been a goal of mine; but my first year here I was miserable. There were multiple times I called my sister Cyndi crying that I couldn't do it, many times I almost packed my stuff and ran home; but with a little push from those who love me, I stuck it out. Sophomore year things got a little easier, I finally found the friends I could trust and loved to spend time with and finally found the major and career path I am excited for. Junior year was bliss, I loved my classes, I lived with amazing friends and everything was perfect. But now, as a senior, I couldn't be more scared and unsure.
I think the worst part of it all is knowing I have 23 credits left until graduation. Twenty credits on campus this semester, three credits next fall online. That's it. This past December, I had a large number of my close friends graduate. People that I came to NDSU knowing and now they've all moved on with real adult lives and it's scary. Slowly, but surely my friends are leaving. Who knows if I'll ever see them again or if we'll really stay in touch? I think these are the feelings that most people have after high school graduation (unless you're me).
I officially move out of Fargo for good in the beginning of June. This gives me around 6 months with the friends I have here, with my roommate, with my job. That's the worst part. I don't want to leave these things behind. It seems like it took me so long to find my place in college, to find the friends I know spend my time with, and now I have to leave them. I went through so many crappy roommates before I met Mari and now I don't want to move out on my own without her. I recently just started my job in September, but I am so in love with it that the thought of leaving breaks my heart.
Ever since I moved to Fargo in August of 2011, all I've wanted is to move back home and that is still what I want. I want to move back, have a real job that I love, be successful, be close to my family and friends. I thought by the time I was 22 I'd have it all figured out. I'd know where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be... but thinking about that now, I'm not even close to being grown up. Thinking that I'm an adult is the most absurd thing imaginable. In my head I'm still 8 years old and trying to decide what color is my favorite or if eating yogurt, even though I know it'll make me sick, is worth it (most of the time I think yes, but really it's not.. still haven't learned that lesson).
Moral of the story: I don't have life figured out and I think if any 22 year old tells you they know what they're doing in life and that they're satisfied, they're lying. Every time I think of what my future holds I freak out, but what always grounds me is something my 92 year old grandpa told me once right after I left for college, "Don't worry about not knowing what you want to be when you grow up, I still don't know either."
